Saturday, December 19, 2009

Am I that Old?...Everybody Calls Me Uncle

On my way to College, I was letting my shoes to be polished, so that it can shine like Humjayga’s shoes. A three years old child tugged at my overcoat which has one button missing. I looked at boy with genuine smile. His mother came running to this child and chided, “naughty Sanju, let go off uncle.’’

Did she just call me uncle? Yes, she did!! She did, yes! I feel my jaws and felt hair sprouting out like natural vegatation.Probably, I have become old enough to be called uncle, I lamented. Anyway, I paid my bill to cobbler. With one sheepish ogling at mother of that cute boy, I was on my own way.

I was still muling over the idea and sense of being old. I don’t want to get old. I wish my age stops growing. I wish Dangpa Losar(bhutanese new year) come slowly. Step by step, I feel like walking towards Ajang Death.

Damn! This eye-less indian idiot, I cursed in my native tongue becausesomebody bumped into me carelessly while I was thinking. “Sorry Uncle,’’ I heard the voice.Uncle again,eh!! I thought. I looked at the owner of voice and noticed that she was girl around fifteen years, the girl I would like to propose(hadn’t that age legally minor). The word uncle stung me like bee’s sting.

Just to checked if I had grown so much in a night, I furtively looked into mirror of roadside Barber. Barber was young but overgrown boy. “Uncle, baal cut na hai kyai,’ he asked me. Irritated to core, I walked away leaving him looking at me confused.

After five minutes, my annoyance cool off. I laughed at myself thinking what will they call me in next 10 years. I imagine myself talking my future wife. “well,darling who is bald man near you in the photo?’’ I imagine my wife replying, “ darling, you are getting old. The bald man is you.’’

Why I am not afraid of Death

Well, some of you may not believe me if I say I am not gonna die because not even Mr. Buddha survived the Meme Death. But I must tell you one thing about after dying; Meme Death has nothing to do with me after I am dead. The only thing I have to worry about is Grand dad Chogyal Gyelpo and his retinue of animal headed comical figures headed by furious joker called DeNagchung and Helpless priest called Lha Karpo.

Frankly, I am not afraid of De Nagchung (Black Demon) and his helpers just like I have never feared Grand dad Chogyal Gyelpo himself. I have heard about Chogyal Gyelpo since I was child.My grandparents had heard about it since they were children. Sure Chogyal Gyelpo enjoyed long life but I am sure he is too old to live for me to die. I have made my mind that I will die only after Chogyal Gyelpo’s death, so that I don’t have to squat infront of him. I don’t want him to passed judgement while I squat infront of him. I will tell to his face that this is twenty first century and he ought to give me chair to sit.

Incase I have to die before demise of Chogyal Gyelpo, I will go with elaborate preparation. I have heard DeNgchung was injured in soccer match between heaven and hell . So I will go when he was in hospital treating his injury. As for other deities led by Raksha Lango, I have to bribe them.

I know Raksha(ox head deity) will hungry and tired since it has to pass judgement to many sentient beings everyday. I will take bunch of sweet grass for his refreshment.For Phagdong ( pig-head), I will give him human shit. For Monkey, I will give bananas and so on. Only deity I am afraid of is Jachung(Garuda) as I don’t know what does it eats.

Still then, with youth at my advantage, I am sure I have lots of time to research on Shinjay Legoen( workforce of Chogyal Gyelpo), so that I can bribe them without letting them know that they are being bribed by my soul. Besides I am sure, my film studies(cheating studies) will help me lot.

…Please if you are afraid of after dead state, please contact me for deception training…hehehehe.

Giving Indian Friend Bhutanese Name

“What is your national language?’’ Anshuman enquired me. We were on the terrace looking down on the road where bridegroom was riding on elephants towards bride’s house.

“Dzongkha,’’ I replied curtly. I was just fed up of his noisy and nosy ways of asking and doing things. “Is Dzongkha Chinese?’’ what a foolish question! ‘No, it is different,’ I answered.

‘Do Bhutanese know martial arts?’ he queried. ‘Yes, even three years old know ABC of arts,’ I lied outright. ‘Is Bruce Lee Bhutanese?’’ again he posed the question. I was tempted to lie but I didn’t. ‘No,’’ said I snidely.

Amidst much fanfare, Bridegroom walked royally into bride’s house. ‘Acha, how marriage in your country is solemnized?’ he posed another question with intense curiosity. Am I giving interview! Or am I in Larry King Live! But his question was harmless and honest as any one asked to new person. ‘Greater fanfare than this,’’ I lied again. I didn’t want him to think inferiorly of my country.

There were many vehicle parked in line near bride’s house. The car for bride and bridegroom was decorated Mercedes. Looking at Vehicle, he asked again. It really irritated me but he didn’t seem to notice. ‘Acha yai batao, what vehicle you used in Bhutan?’ ‘We used Joktang Gari (Potato Vehicle)’ I shot without thinking twice. He seemed surprised.

‘I heard, Bhutanese doesn’t produce car,’ he wanted to know.

‘We do. Infact it is more expensive than Mercedes,’ I kept on lying.Frankly, I have to admit that I began to like what I was lying.

“So, you used Joktaaang Gaari in wedding too or any more special vehicle?’’

“In marriage, we used helicopter called Kharshing Namdru (wooden plane). We used two plane which fitted only one passenger besides pilot and fly it parrellel to each other when bride is taken too bridegroom’s home,’’ I said and excused out of his company. I didn’t want to lie again but I was fed up being treated as if we came from some sort of alien planet for a week.

“Suno Dorji, give me a best name you can think of in your language?’’ I turned around and studied his being. He looked at me expectantly. I smiled ironically at him as I baptized him with Bhutanese name. “Ola Nagchen Dorji,’’ I gave him as I walked out before he could asked about meaning of his name.

Well, some of you may wonder why I put Nagchen as middle name, it is because I am fit to be called Ola Dorji(Crow Dorji) but he was double the shade of my body colour.