Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Toilet Adventure At NehruPlace

I have to get it out straight. I cannot think other than my adventure today. I was in the deep slumber under warmth of my faithful blanket when Ata( I call him as he likes to be respected) woke me up. I wanted to sleep but he wouldn’t let me. When I woke up, it was 11 o’clock which is always too early to wake especially for hardworking guy like me. He wanted to me to accompany him to Nehru Place to buy his sound system as if his loud shouting is not enough to be heard. Perhaps he wants to praise himself through hitech sound system.

I didn’t want to go. I excused on the ground of my limping leg ( which may limp for whole life). He told me it was good for my neuropathic feet to get little exercise. So, after three splashes of water onto my jackfruit cover-like face, I limped after him into overcrowded bus. Ten ruppees away from my apartment, I reached at Nehru Place after lots of pushings and pullings. I was crushed in the crowd so much that I wanted to unload last night’s dinner. The problem in Indian city is that you hardly find shit-store/ leak-store (toilet). You can face the wall and take a leak. Nobody will see you and mind you, if you close your eyes and take a leak. But this shit unloading is tough job especially in day time if you don’t toilet well in the morning.

After scouring whole city, we came across dilapidated washroom with many layers of yellow wastes stack one upon another. By that time, I was controlling even my breath as I didn’t want to shit on my pant. “Khali hai Kya,’’ I rushed in without waiting for reply ready to pull down my pant. “Sahab, it is 3 ruppee ,’’ the man on rat- eaten chair told me. Damn, I have forgotten how Indian Service works. Pay before use just like house rent is paid at the beginning of every month despite payment of two months security.I buckled back my belt and groped into my pocket. I fished out 5-ruppee coined and flipped at him. “keep the change,’’ I said looking briefly at dirty smirk on his face and white teeth protuding.

Banging closethe door, I let yellow erosion of mine formed another sediment on already piled sediments of shits. I had to hold door with one hand as there was no latch. After relieving, I felt so good till I realized that I had to clean my uhmmm.. waste-pipe. I looked here and there though I knew there will be nothing. Again I groped into my coat pocket. I felt paper in one of my pockets. Lo, it is photocopy of fascimile I sent to Ministry. I tore it and cleaned my exit- point(bottom).

After washing my hand summarily (as water comes drop by drop in tap), I came out with smile in my face just to find Ata holding his belly. He gave me ‘what took you so long’ kind of look and rushed into toilet vacated by me. I heard him moaning with relief as shit came out of his Exit-point with unwilling groan.

Red Scarf's bytes and me

It has been a day since I last put you into sleep with my writing. By now, I hope you are awake and energetic but I feel pity on you guys who toil day in and day out to fill the belly which keeps on throwing half of what you eat as waste. This writing is for those who are tired and wanted to sleep. This is also for those who are insomniac because of stress and depression at home and work place. If you want to go to sleep, please read this piece. By the time, you finish reading, you will really go to sound slumber unless your hyperactive spouse wake you middle of night for some nocturnal tryst.

I would dreamt myself as imminent journalist of Bhutan interviewing our Honourable Ministers and other orange scarfed politicians for short bytes to print in my newspaper, NonSense.

Me; Mr. Prime Minister, how do you define GNH?

Prime Minister; it is simple. Government Needs Help.

Me (To Hon Tshogpoen) what do you think is major achievement of House in two years?

Speaker; we raised salary for MPs twice.

Me; Your Excellency, how do you defend your Ministry for sending fund to Sri Lankan college where your daughter study medicine before House approved it.

Education Minister; Charity begins from home.

Me ;( Lyonpo Ugyen Tshering) you never speaks in Assembly, why is it?

Foreign Minister; I am supposed to speak foreign language. Dzongkha is not foreign language.

Me; ( Lyonpo Nandala Rai) where do you think will be our communication and information system in next five year ?

Communication Minister; I am still trying to communicate in dzongkha and read the information in dzongkha too. Guess the rest.

Me; (Lyonpo Pema Gyamtsho) Sir, critics say that they don’t even need Agriculture Minister, what do you like to tell them?

Agriculture Minister; I am doing lot for farmers. I initiated ‘no vehicle day’ as farmer can’t produce petrol and diesel from jersey and peanut. If critics think farmer should, then they are fools.

Me; (To Lyonpo Yeshi Jinpa) every major constructions are fraught with design flaws and substandard in qualities or delays. For instance, new national referral hospital in Thimphu has many design flaws and some alleged that even lifts are not in workable conditions. Why do you think these happen?

Work and Human settlement Minister; first of all, your question is too general. As for referral hospital, fault lies with doctors. They couldn’t diagnose the subject(building) at earlier stages.

Me ;( Lyonpo Wangdi Norbu) Sir, don’t you think it is morally wrong to raise the pay for MPs when country is still reeling under natural disaster in the east?

Finance Minister; don’t you worry, Nu. 250 millions grants given by Indian Government will be more than enough for them (victims).

Me; (Lyonpo Khandu Wangchuk); Can you tell us briefly about country’s economic policies for next three years?

Minister for Economic Affairs; I will consult Dasho Karma Ura and GNH chairman.

Me; ( Lyonpo Dorji Wangdi) Unemployment is growing every year. Do you have any comprehensive plans to reduce unemployment rate?

Employment Minister; Even I have to look for job after three years.

Me (to Lyonpo Zangley Drukpa); shortage of doctors is major issues in our country. What are the steps your ministry is taking to solve such shortage?

Health Ministers; for one thing I am certain; I can’t treat patients with my education background.

Me (to Lyonpo Minjur Dorji); Chorten and lhakhang vandalisms are increasing in our country. What your ministry is doing to curb such criminal activities?

Home Minister; I am minister for home. That explains a lot.

Me (Chairman Tshering Penjor); what is your opinion on issue of pay raise?

NC Chairman; it is great that it is only thing we could approve through consensus.

Me; ( Dasho Tshering Tobgay)Do you think, there is any merit in Prime Minister’s statement that there is threat to democracy from within Bhutan?

Leader of Opposition; probably, he is beginning to hallucinate and think Dasho Damche and me as threat when we oppose. It is time to wake up.

(Note; this is neither political opinion nor personal defamation. This shouldn’t be taken seriously by readers)